When your parents work for God

When your parents work for God, it is easy to think that God wants your parents to do what they are doing. Your parents may even suggest this by saying things like “God called us to do this kind of work” or “God wants people to live and serve the way we do”. However, it is important to know that there may be differences, potentially big differences, between what your parents are doing and what God really wants from people.

Just because your parents work for God does not mean that God wanted them to do everything the way they did it. Your parents may make mistakes. They may interpret things wrongly. They may set standards that not every Christian can or should fulfill. This matters because many children of ministers carry deep hurt from their parents’ choices – choices that were made “for God.” Understanding that God didn’t necessarily want or approve of everything your parents did can be the first step in healing.

Many children of ministers end up in one of two places: they either become ministers themselves, copying their parents’ approach, or they avoid ministry completely. This often happens because these children learned to see God as their parents saw Him – as someone with extremely high expectations who demands specific kinds of service.

But your parents’ view of God doesn’t have to be yours. When you grow up, your parents are no longer the middle men between you and God. You can develop your own relationship with Him. You can see Him differently than they did. This is crucial whether you choose ministry or not.

If you choose a secular job, you might feel it’s less “holy” than ministry. This feeling comes from years of seeing ministry elevated as the highest calling. But this hierarchy exists in your parents’ understanding, not necessarily in God’s. Your work can be just as valuable and God-honoring as any ministry position.

If you do choose ministry, remember: you don’t have to do it like your parents did. You don’t need to have the same motivations. You don’t need to make the same sacrifices. Each generation can learn from the previous one and make improvements and adapt those lessons to their situation.

But what if you’re now both a minister and a parent yourself? Can you avoid becoming the middle man between God and your children? I don’t know if it’s completely possible. But you can be honest with your children about your imperfections. You can tell them that you don’t understand everything correctly. You can explicitly give them permission to make their own choices.

If your parents chose to live in poverty for their ministry, you do not need to make that same choice. If you choose to live in poverty, you don’t need to force that choice on your childre. If you want to say no to certain things, you can, but you can still ask your children what they want, because it may not be what your want. This awareness that different people have different needs and desires is crucial. What feels like a holy sacrifice to one person might feel like unnecessary deprivation to another.

This last part is particularly challenging for ministers. We often feel pressure to present complete certainty in our faith. But maybe true spiritual leadership means being more open about our shortcomings, not less. Maybe it means saying “I might be wrong about this” or “God might work differently in your life than in mine.”

Your parents’ way of serving God was their way. It doesn’t have to be yours. And if you’re a parent now, your way doesn’t have to be your children’s way either. God is big enough to work with each of us differently.